Letter To Her :

 You. 

You deserve the love that you constantly keep trying to give out to others. 

You tend to have this problem in life where you don't realize how frozen you are until someone starts to melt your ice.

You're broken... Aren't you? 

and it has nothing to do with a heartbreak. 

I became good at pretending.

I became so good that after a while the lines blurred between my truth and fiction. 

And sometimes, when I did a really good job of pretending, I even fooled myself. 

I wanted to be the person that you couldn’t stand to live without. But, it looks like your doing fine and I’m trying to stop myself from writing about you because with the pain you caused me , you don’t deserve to live forever .

I looked at you and I seen trauma, I seen pain, I seen a broken home and no love . Fire... because you're going to hell for the shit that you’ve done and because i never knew someone’s heart can be so cold or maybe you just don’t have one... 

So I became good at pretending . 

Nobody knows their way in and nobody knows their way out .

I wish I had my way of words but lately I don’t even try to explain anything anymore. 

people just don’t understand and It hurts too damn much so I don’t even want to talk about it anymore.

sometimes I keep my feelings to myself, because I couldn't find a language to describe them in. you speak 4 and I speak 3 so why is it that I can't piece something together?

“Oh, you wouldn’t want to be loved by someone like me,” i said, almost carelessly to a soul who wanted to love me whole heartedly because that's the moment I realized love doesn't exist here with me because of you.

My face was hidden in the dark and my eyes?

Not once teared away from the stars above. At least, I assume that’s what most people want, anyway. 

Every time someone tells me they want to feel loved, I always try to give them that, you know?

I know how awful it is not to be loved. They’ll accept me at first, they always do. 

But in the end they grew tired, and that’s when I knew when they say they want to be loved, it’s not by me but by someone like me.

and it's true ... you caused me to feel like that. I question myself each trip, every time I always put in the work, I feel like I'm doing overtime.

In all honesty, you don’t deserve a title from me. So, let’s start this all again shall we? 

I wouldn’t even know where I could start with you. I wouldn’t even know the right words to say to you. 

I’m conflicted right now because I don’t know if in this case I should respect you or hate you and disrespect you for everything you’ve really put me through. 

As far as I know your card has been revoked a long ass time ago, as far as i’m concerned you were right when you looked me in the eyes and told me “we’d never have a relationship” so imma show how far i can go.

 So this isn’t a letter from me to you trying to fix or mend things. But, I don’t hate you… 

Although I feel in my heart I should. 

But, I don’t and I don’t know why either because I think deep down you and I both know I should too even though you always flip the script and pin point the shit and it always turns back around on me. 

 Maybe I can’t hate you because you had the most meaningful things to me.

But, I will say this...

I’m a very numb person because of you, I shut down because of you, I don’t let anyone in my life because of you and because of you … It’s been hard to find the actual love that I wanted and needed to.

Mom the damage is done but now I can honestly say I grew... I love you but I'll love you from a distance . I found the love within myself I needed . I'm stronger than you will ever be and I will allow love to find me .

I will no longer sit here and let your mistakes affect my life in the negative light you planned them to be in.