Me Vs Me

Contemplating and searching for plenty of reasons to let you go in my head . But it’s just not that easy now . people stop loving you. And that’s the kind of darkness that never gets fixed, no matter how many moons rise again…

      “What difference does it make if the thing your scared of is real or not?” He asked me . 
It doesn’t matter because in this case feelings are real YOUR real ... it’s real . I can touch you and feel your presence and then I can see that you just don’t feel the same for me when you look at me . That right there is probably the part that kills me the most. such wounds to the heart will probably never heal . we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever ... and I'm a victim . feeling used and abused and all types of confused and I think apart of me will always love you whether I want to or not . you will never get what you deserve if you stay. with what you tolerate. 

            i didn't know what it was to want, to crave something so badly you feel your soul ripping your insides, trying to reach out for it. i didn't know what it was to want something so desperately your heart ached at the absence of it. that night, i craved your touch as if you were in another universe, far away from me. i craved your touch so much i repeated in my head, like a spell, like a mantra, 'touch me'. 'touch me'. 'touch me'. please please please i am begging you, put your hand on my heart, your lips on my neck, your eyes on my soul. touch me, god fucking damn it.
     I begged and pleaded for you not to make me fall in love with you , not if you wasn’t planning on staying . Not if you was planning on switching up . Not if you was planning on using me and then going to the next bitch like I’m just some nut. 
     You sit alone. I sit alone. And sometimes I wonder why we don’t sit together, why we don’t try to erase the loneliness and replace it with some happiness. But then I turn away. Because I don’t want to have a happiness with you that I could risk losing all of me. I never expected that you could have broken a heart ... and love with it to , so much that it doesn't seem broken at all . I often sleep to avoid my feelings because night time is my worst time and 2am's is getting dangerous 
~Asia ❣️