Raw Emotions 🖤 Short Story

"How'd you get so empty?" My therapist asked me as I sat down with her. I sighed and sat down in my seat, crossed my legs and arms thinking about her question. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I was stuck still trying to find the right words. "When people leave, they... they take a part of you with them. So many have left that it just got to the point that there's nothing left to take. You know?" I answered as she wrote something down in her notes “Maryah you shouldn’t be sad. You have a nice life and you have family" she said to me. I shook my head "No. You're not hearing me, you’re listening but you’re not hearing me. This isn't about having a nice life or having family. To be honest with you most of my family is in and out anyways but you can't be sad when you’re empty... you can't be nothing." I responded and she nodded her head "hmmm... how do you feel right now with your break up with Dorian?" she asked me and I sighed again.

"I do- I don't know. How are you supposed to feel when a guy you've been with for years has screwed you over as many times as he has and you still go back? How are you supposed to feel when you've been there before all the little fame he has going on right now ? How are you supposed to feel when you know females grip to him like glue and he doesn't try and push them off before they stick?" I said back answering her question with a question. I then seen her write down something on her little notepad once again. "How are you doing with your anxiety?" she asked tilting her head to the side. I shrugged “anxiety is anxiety..." I responded "Having anxiety is the most silently painful experience. it makes no sense and you sit there alone and suffer for unknown reasons..." I said looking down at my hands "it mostly hits me at night. it sucks because I’ve always had Dorian there you know? to talk to at night, he was like my comfort and honestly Dorian can be one of the most sweetest guys ever. He'd just sit there on the phone with me at night or if I was with him he'd just have his arms wrapped around me and just snuggle me and tell me a whole bunch of sweet nothingness in my ears..." I said smiling a little. "Tell me about this new guy that you’re seeing. Do you like him or are you just using him to get back at Dorian and move on?" I eased up in the chair uncrossing my legs "I do like him. Do I like him enough to be with him? No. But we connect and he's an amazing person with an amazing personality. Of course I want to move on from Dorian, who wouldn't want to move on from their ex that hurt them millions of times? But no, this isn’t my way of moving on from Dorian. I know this isn't the way so it’s nothing like that" I answered. She nodded her head with a slight smirk and wrote something down "Why wouldn't you see yourself with this new guy if he's a great guy?" she asked me, I furrowed my eyebrows for moment thinking but I didn't really need to think. I knew my answer already. "Because of the simple fact that he's not Dorian... he's not the guy that I fell in love with, he's not the guy that challenges me to be a better me, he's not the guy that I have memories with and yes... Some of those memories may be toxic but at the end of the day the only thing that keeps a relationship going is the love that you have for the person and how you guys decide to work your problems out in the end. Dorian and I overcame a lot of things." I confessed. "Did you wanna leave Dorian?" she asked, I took a deep breath in and sighed. "No. But I had to, but I still don't want to, and you may be asking "why?" and it's deeper than "because I love him" it’s more so of … Even when I could not trust him I still can't stop myself from loving him. And even when I realized that he didn't deserve me, I still feel like I deserved him... because I already had invested so much time and energy into us that it just doesn't seem fair to walk away with nothing." I said truthfully. Her eyes lit bright “Well… Maryah that wraps it up for today... We accomplished a lot and I broke you out of that shell and you finally talked on week 5" she said, I smiled bright "Yeah... it felt pretty good thank you. I'll see you next week" I told her as I gathered my things to leave out.

        I walked out the building with a smile on my face, I walked to my car and got in turning on my phone seeing a whole bunch of missed calls and text messages of course some of them being from Dorian who I’ve been avoiding for the past 5 weeks and then there was Elijah, I sighed to myself I was so tempted to call him back and tell him that I’ve been seeing a therapist and I talked to her for the first time and that I feel so cleansed and all of that but with Elijah comes Dorian and I’m trying to cleanse myself from Dorian . Once again I got a call from Dorian's sisters Camilla and Carissa but like I said with Elijah, with Camilla and Carissa comes Dorian and I’m trying my hardest to eliminate myself from that right now. I got calls and texts from my family for whatever reason it was. So, I decided to call back  Jordan "Hello?" she answered "hey was sup, I’m just turning on my phone I’ve been busy." I told her truthfully as I started up the car "Oh yeah I called to tell you the family is having a get together on Friday be there." she said to me "honestly sis I-" "be there . I'm not playing games with you" she said very persistent I raised my eyebrow "Alright, I will be there pissy" "Thank you brat" "die" I said before hanging up. That right there was a casual conversation with my family; we don’t spend longer than 5 minutes talking to each other on the phone. I drove off to my apartment and typed the code for the gate to open I drove up parked my car and grabbed my stuff and walked up to my door seeing a bouquet of roses. Picking them up and smelling them and slightly smiling once I read the note and then sighed. "Dorian" I said in a whisper.

I missed him. There was no doubt about it. Since I’ve been gone he's been dropping by my job, my house calling and texting me nonstop it’s been crazy! He's been leaving flowers, candy, poems all of that and the gestures are nice, they really are but I’m not ready for all of this. I don't know if I can be with Dorian anymore. I gotta be strong enough to face him and say "no". Hell. I don't even know if I can face him right now. I know I’m not strong enough at all... At least not yet.

        I took out my keys and unlocked my door and walked inside closing the door behind me, I walked straight to the kitchen tossed the keys on the counter and placed the flowers on the counter as well. I walked over to the fridge and pulled out a water bottle. I opened it up and guzzled down almost half the bottle. I put the bottle down and leaned against the fridge. I want to ask "why me?" so badly but my father always told me never question God’s motive and I wasn't going to do that instead I was gonna say thank you, thank you for every goal that I've accomplished. Thank you for making me a better me and thank you for pushing me and teaching me how to be strong right now. "Thank you" I whispered to myself. I didn't know how long I could be strong for but I was going to try and remain as strong as I could. I slid down the fridge and started to sit down on the floor and sighed. Right now I’m not gonna lie, I really wanted to cry. I missed Dorian and all the little memories we shared. Right about now Dorian and I are passed breaking up over petty little arguments or disagreements. We're past sitting down and being able to work things out, We're past that "I’ll leave you alone for a while but giving up? Nah" type thing . Honestly, I just wish I had Dorian's attention, affection, and time and it wasn’t an every now and here thing. I wanted - wait no let me correct myself I needed it to be a consistent thing.

        After sitting on the floor for a good 10 minutes just taking time to and for myself to just think. I got up I picked up my bag and walked upstairs and put my stuff down in my room. I took a pony tail holder off of the dresser and threw my middle length hair into a messy bun. Then, I took out some underwear and one of Dorian's hoodies I took off my clothes and put them in the dirty basket turning on the shower and stepping in. Letting the hot water beat down my skin as I took my washcloth and soaped up my body then having the water beat it off. I sighed, and after about 20 minutes being in the shower I turned it off and wrapped a towel around me before stepping out.

I made sure to lotion my skin and all of that stuff and then put on my underwear and threw on Dorian's over sized hoodie. Dorian was at least 6ft and me who stood up at 5’5 I was tiny compared to him, so think of his clothes on me. I threw the hoodie over my head taking in his scent. it was the cologne I bought him for his birthday 2 years ago. if I’m not mistaken it was the Louis Vuitton for men . I laid down on my bed and got comfortable as a text shot through my phone I read it through the notification bar, text from "husband" ; I hope you liked the flowers I got you.

This. This was it. This is when it all hit at night and I wanted to tear up like a little 16 year old girl that just got her hurt broken for the first time. The tears started to form and I wanted to break down so badly but I held it in. I wiped the tears and sucked it up. I think the reason why I was crying right now is because I’ve always thought that Dorian and I would get married you know? I’ve been in his life since forever for almost 8 years now. I was there for his first heartbreak, him getting in trouble with the police, his brother dying, him almost getting kicked out of school, supporting his decision to drop out of college and try to become a pro ball player and so much more. it sucks how the good ones always get the shit end of the stick. I don't think that's fair but a lot of things in life aren't fair. You just gotta deal the cards that were dealt to you. That's just how it goes...

        Right now it was about 2am and I was just up watching TV and eating ice-cream because I didn’t have anything better to do. Hearing a knock on my door and I got up out my bed to look out the window.

                                I seen Dorian...

I walked downstairs to the front door and opened it slowly. We both just stood there staring at each other and I remained emotionless. I've wanted to see him for so long but I've also been dreading seeing him. But it had to happen sooner or later. “Maryah.” he said "hi" I said lowly "hey" he responded. This was awkward for me. As much as I desperately wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him, I knew I couldn't do that. it wouldn't be right. "Can I come in?" he asked, I moved to the side letting him into my house and closing the door behind him. "it's 2am Dorian" I said "and I know that but baby I miss you. I need you. it’s been 5 weeks and you've been avoiding me" he said as if he was hurt, I didn't have a response for him I just looked down at my feet. “Maryah, I'm hurting. I know you are too. I need you to come home. I need you to be with me. I know I've messed up more times than I can actually remember and there's nothing I can do or say to fix it but baby can we please start over? I'm attached to you. Good or bad thing I don't know... but all I know is that you do make me one of the happiest and I'm glad to have had you in my life for this long. Please tell me you will let me fix things and make it right? please tell me you'll stop avoiding me and my text and calls and let me come and see you. please..." he said .

        I shook my head trying to take in all that he was saying, looking at him only made my heart drop. My heart was saying "go for it. One last shot!" and my mind? that was saying a whole different thing. "Dorian... I love you, you know I do. But... I can't keep competing for your time. I can't keep competing for your loyalty. I can't keep competing with these females and I don't know when all that will end." I said "baby it's done I just want you , you don't have to compete anymore i’m all yours" he said trying to grab a hold of my hand but I just pushed myself back ."No" I said shaking my head "you don't get it. I can't keep doing this to myself anymore Dorian... no. I don’t have to compete no more? Do you hear yourself!You and I ? we're done..." I said and just like that my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach and I knew his did too. "Well" he cleared his throat "uh I love you. have a nice night. go get some sleep" he said before walking out the door. I felt like I wanted to vomit right now, I ran upstairs and ran to my bed as I laid down and cried into my pillow like a teenage girl again. your probably like your 20 something get over yourself, and I am. I'm 23 but the thing is... this was my first time being in love with someone Dorian is my first love so my actions ... their natural. I guess this is what being in love felt like. if it was, I didn't want no parts of it anymore. I cried that night and just cried replaying what just took place moments ago "no" I said shaking my head "you don't get it. I can’t keep doing this to myself anymore Dorian... no. you and I ? we're done." I said. what I had told Dorian replayed and replayed in my head all night like one of those annoying songs that you don't want to like or listen to but it’s so catchy that you sing it anyways. yeah like that. it just replayed in my head until I drifted off into a deep sleep.

I spent the whole night tossing and turning . I woke up out of bed and walked to the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror before brushing my teeth. I looked terrible, my eyes were all red and puffy from being up all night crying. I had bags under them too. I sighed. I looked terrible and I felt terrible and I didn't want to do anything today. I called into work and called out. even on days where I didn't feel well I still worked this right here was bad though I really didn't want to do anything or see anyone. everything from last night hit me once again and the tears started to form. "suck it up Maryah” I mumbled to myself before I began to start to brush my teeth. Right now I didn't know what to do or to say, and normally I would always know what to do or to say. I was the one that helped everyone with their problems and I was so tempted to call my sister right now and explain to her and cry to her over the phone but there were two reasons as to why I couldn't do that.

She's at work

She probably wouldn't even care anyways

 

so I'd probably just be wasting time anyways. My sister never cares to hear things like this. I'm always there when she needs me but she's never there when I need her... time & attention. Those are the same things I was missing from Dorian but the attention part was a little different ... maybe a lot different because of the fact that this is my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend and she's my sister. but still it was the same thing because that's what they both lacked. it's like they never seem to care about me or acknowledge me unless they need me.