The Shit I Don’t Say part 3

“I gotta hand it to you … you the voice and that shit comes with a cost .  If you break, a lot of people gonna be lost . Your silence is deadly , but that shit says it all.” 

You see … I like to believe that this chapter I’m in is made for people to show and tell me how they really feel . Like if you love me let me know that now because I’m the type of bitch that gambles with my life and I might not be around. 

I got my father on call each trip, every time I’m feeling down and that’s often … cuz I been fighting real demons since a child and I’m lost in it now . There’s deeper meaning to the shit that I post because it’s the shit I won’t ever say and I feel like you gotta know me to know me and feel the shit I don’t say even when I don’t say it . 

I’m use to people clinging on to my voice and claiming that they know me or understand me but how the fuck do you understand something you’ve never been through ? Because you read my pain right ? Because I detailed everything perfect right ? Because I opened up a part of me  to mother fuckers that are weak and couldn’t see me for me so they needed me to seem like it’s me … 

I’m the problem . But , I’m not though . 

Thinking deeper the shit I don’t communicate is the shit that I know I need to communicate but , I’m so use to being hurt that I feel as though that’s the only outcome because that’s all I’m use to . And damn … y’all got me opening up about the shit that I don’t say again . 

And remember when I confessed about how I stopped writing because I thought "who the fuck is reading my words anyway" as if writing to get the poison out isn\"t enough , as if I\"m not enough . And I\"ll never be, because I\"ll always have that need to make people feel something . I\"ll always have that urge to scream my feelings and hear back that they\"re valid . That I\"m valid ? 

Yeah well there’s that … I realized that I only write to a pad with this pen in my hand when I’m drowning in my thoughts . I guess this is my cry for help . And I’m just admitting to you the shit that I don’t say because I’m conflicted and battling with myself everyday and not in the easiest ways . 

I got mommy issues and I swear I hate that bitch but that bitch seems to be who I give all my praises to because look at me … I’m 22 carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders because I was destined to be … 

                   The voice . 

Unfortunately our relationship was the price to pay . Imma hold on to her each day . I’m always gone but I’m never far away … just realized that when it comes to you … I cannot love you a certain way . 

The thoughts I have sit and resonate with you don’t they ? That’s because the shit I don’t say is the shit that y’all think everyday … I just reached a level where I’ve reached telling a mf fuck you to their face hurts less than saying it behind their back so yes … read my fuck you when you hurt me . Read how I leveled up . Read about how you fucked me up more than the damage that was previously already done .

I often shrug when I hear the word “love” nowadays . Not because I’m against it anymore . I remember when I used to say I’m afraid of commitment. But , I don’t think I am anymore . You gave me something to believe in for once in a long time . 

I come from nothing but trauma so your my peace and yeah I’m hard as fuck but I’m trying to show my love and the way I communicate it may not be the best way but I jus- 

Just don’t give up on me okay ? 

And this is just the shit I don’t say ; well , kinda in a since … because I really won’t say it because I realized that when I communicate to you , I don’t know how and my communication turns into a whole situation and then we both become confused like … “how did we get to this?” 

“Pops I got this… I hear you , but I got it” that’s right you’re my best friend. don’t ever hesitate , no need to think again . If I ever lied to you it was to keep the pain away . I know the pain of me brings your pain and it weighs . And that’s the thing that fucks me up excuse my language pops but that’s the thing that breaks my heart alright . You acknowledge that I never asked for life so you tell me each trip to make it a habit . So, I might … just pick up that phone and call you at 3am cuz I can’t fight back the tears from the nightmares that I wake up having each night .

And this is just the shit that I don’t say.